I wrote this days after I found out about my postpartum depression diagnosis. Please know - you are not alone. You are not a monster and most importantly? You will get through this. I promise.
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I gave birth to this beautiful baby girl…
Even as I write that…I dont believe it. Everyone keeps telling me how beautiful she is and I just dont see it. I dont see me in her and I think thats why.
Am I normal? Is that selfish? Is that self-centered?
I don’t know.
When I gave birth to her..dang. gotta remember to write that story. Anyhow, when I gave birth to her I cried. I was so happy I gave birth to a baby girl.
Or maybe I was just happy that she finally came out. Seriously 59hrs of labor sucks.
Then they took her away, see she was born with the cord around her neck and wasn’t breathing right. I got to hold her for less than a minute.
I told her how happy I was she was here and they took her away. My husband, of course, followed after to make sure she started breathing ok.
I was left w the doctor and nurses cleaning me up.
My mom couldn’t be there cause she was watching monkey man.
I was alone.
Then after the doctor finished w me, Mr. Man came back. Said Diva was breathing was getting better. That her O2 stats were normal, they were just keeping an eye on her for a little. I was relieved. But not happy.
He then left….the nurses left.
I was alone.
I started sending messages from my phone to family. Then I stopped. Thought…hmm, I think I should rest.
Tried to rest…but couldn’t.
My night nurse came in. Asked if I needed anything. I begged for french fries. She said she would get some for me.
I was indebted to her. During those 59hrs of labor I got maybe 2 meals.
She left, I started to resent Mr. Man. Shouldn’t he be the one to get me fries?
Mr. Man came in and out of my room. Kept asking me to rest. I couldn’t. He kept going back to check on baby girl.
I got mad. How come he got to spend that time with her? Why couldn’t I?
Why didn’t he spend that time with me? I was the one that pushed her out after all.
My mom finally was able to come. She saw baby girl, but spent the time with me.
Mr. Man? Still w baby girl…and his parents.
I still had yet to see her.
They cleaned me up and moved me to post partum. Mr. Man didn’t even know they were moving me.
We passed by Mr. Man and his parents. They all got to see baby girl. me? Still waiting.
We went to my small post partum room. All of them – my mom, his parents and Mr. Man.
I wanted them all out (except for Mr. Man). But they all stayed.
My daughter finally came in the room.
I finally was able to hold her….and nothing. I expected freaking angels to sing. Seriously…I did. I mean this was my baby girl. The first girl. Now…most probably my last.
But I felt nothing. I looked at her smiled….said hello beautiful.
Felt nothing.
Coupla days in the hospital. I felt absolutely nothing. I didn’t even want to hold her. She was a weight that was too much for me to bear. I thought it was just because I gave birth.
It was a harrowing 59hrs after all.
Coupla weeks at home and I felt nothing toward her. She was on the Bili-lights treatment and I thought that was it. Thats why I was feeling nothing. I was annoyed at the machine we had to lug around with her.
Nope. Once she was off the machine….still nothing.
I mean…I loved her. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to her…but I was kinda upset she was here.
She changed everything.
At night I got mad at her….for crying. She wasn’t a good sleeper.
During the day…if she cried, I let her cry a little before I picked her up. Still do actually.
I loved her though. I was (and still am) fiercely protective of her from monkey’s prying little fingers. I swear this kid thought she was a doll.
But still there was the fact that ... I felt nothing toward her.
Its not like I didn’t like her. Its not like anything. I felt nothing.
Wait…here is exactly what I mean……I hated taking care of her. Most of the time I didn’t even wanna hold her.
Man. I cant believe I just said that.
Then we went to her doctor. I put her down on the exam table and let the doctor check her out. Once he was done? I left her there. I totally forgot about her.
Thats when I knew something was up.
Then the arguments started. I literally accused my husband of loving Diva more than me. that he was favoring Diva over monkeyman.
Still thought it was just the hormones, but I knew something was not right. Prayed that it was just me being my old hypochondriac self.
Then there was that night. The night where I manhandled her and then had that crazy thought.
The thought was evil. It was so evil I dont even remember it, but it involved hurting Diva. I got scared. I felt that anger surge up inside of me. I thought what the heck is wrong with me.
I held her close to my body and knew I needed help. I started crying hysterically.
I went to the doctor.
She prescribed medicine.
I feel better and have not had that type of anger again, but I still am gonna see my therapist.
But now? I love her. I still get annoyed with her crying but now...I love her deeply.
When did I fall in love? When she cooed at me…and then smiled.
I am definitely in love w this little girl.
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Here are my posts about my struggles with Postpartum Depression.
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I had a blog dedicated to my struggles with postpartum depression...but I hate having two different places to write. Plus not everyday do I need to write in that blog, so I will be merging them on this site. But here is the site so you can see what I wrote:
Living With PPD
If you have any questions about my story and want to talk, please email me at: imperfectmomma (at) reallyimamom (dot) com.
If you have any questions about postpartum depression, or if you have it and are searching for help please visit Katherine Stone's site Postpartum Progress. Great resource.
Now, if you are unsure you have it, here is the best explanation I've seen of it:
